I'm a nice, normal, outspoken, funny, occasionally vulgar, happy and well adjusted 30 year old.
I have lost over 100 pounds and kept it off for 18 months (tomorrow)...and have completed 3 half marathons, a full marathon, and a handful of 5k's and 10k's.
I am getting married to my best friend and the love of my life in 14 months.
Growing up, I was a chubby, bookish kid. Pretty decent personality, but not much to look at and certainly not any kind of real standout. Basically, very average. And as was typical of us chubby, bookish kids...the last one to get picked in gym class/ the fat, dumpy friend. Since I was always so horrible at sports and games, I really never developed the confidence to just try something. You know, you never want to do that kind of stuff when you're used to getting made fun of. To this day, I still have trouble getting up the courage to try that stuff. Next week, I am going to a friend's swim practice to learn how to not flail like an injured seal so that I can maybe start getting into triathlon. I am scared to death and all I can think of is how stupid I will look and if people will make fun of me. Forcing myself to go and do these things is my form of therapy. Unsure how wise all that is, but I guess we'll see.
And don't get me started on the fat/dumpy friend who hides in plain colors thing. I see all these really adorable, trendy clothes on other people. People who are my size, and larger, and smaller...and I envy them. I want to wear not-boring clothes and have interesting prints. And I could, but that whole fat/dumpy friend voice whispers a "that's not for you" and I don't even try it. So ridiculous. I'm working on it. Ironically, in most of my groups of friends, I am no longer the 'chubby girl.' I'm often the smallest now. So it would stand to reason that I would not want to hide. But, no. I am busy hiding in things I don't even like that much.
For as much as I don't care what people think about my personality, I sure do get hung up on that old stuff. I'm so not that girl anymore, but the woman I described at the beginning. Sure does take a lot longer for all those mean self-thoughts to go away than it did to lose the weight.
One day, though.
Monday, November 15, 2010
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2 comments:
First off...Congratulations on 18 months of being healthier!! WOOT! It's hard when we spend the early years of our life with those negative thought patterns in our head. I wish there was a magic wand that we could wave and just *poof* make them disappear. Go back and read all that you've accomplished in 18 months though! Marathons, training, weight loss...amazing. You are strong and one day you will be able to tell those whispers in your head to "shut up" becasue you're too busy being fabulous to listen to them. :) One of my favorite sayings lately: "Don't let your past steal your present." xo
I agree whole heartedly with Mel! I was going to tell you you need to tell the voices in your head to shut up! Because you are fabulous! I love you and I'm so happy for you!
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